


you just know (you just do)

by cynical_optimist



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: M/M, Pining, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-12
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-11-13 01:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11174562
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cynical_optimist/pseuds/cynical_optimist
Summary: Sometimes that’s the end. Sometimes, though, Jonas keeps looking and looking and looking, when he's sure there will be no one else to see. He studies the line of Mahdi’s jaw and the arch of his nose, the way his mouth curves up at the edges, and the movement of his cheeks as he talks. This is noticing, like people watching, but deeper, more personal—meaningful in a way Jonas can't quite describe.-What it is to be in love with your best friend.





	you just know (you just do)

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when you volunteer to spend a night at the hospital but your little cousin falls asleep an hour in. Thanks so much to [Lise](http://archiveofourown.org/users/aleyha/pseuds/aleyha) and [Sarah](http://archiveofourown.org/users/strangetowns/pseuds/strangetowns) for editing ❤️❤️❤️.  
> Title from [VCR](http://www.metrolyrics.com/vcr-lyrics-the-xx.html) by The xx.

Jonas doesn't develop a crush on Mahdi so much as a realisation of it.

It's not the simple, linear “ _ wow they're hot, I want to make out with their face, they're a great person, shit, what the fuck I want to date them _ ,” progression that he's had before. It's like he skipped all those steps, or maybe just ignored them happening, because he's pretty sure he went right from thinking about how amazing a friend Mahdi is to  _ Jesus Christ I might be a little in love with him. _

That's not to say Mahdi  _ isn't  _ an amazing friend, of course—it's just that Jonas had never thought to consider him anything else, to take into account the other dimensions of what he felt. That seems a little stupid, in retrospect, but Mahdi is his bro, like Isak and Magnus. Jonas wouldn't date Isak or Magnus, not in a million years.

(Well, okay, that might not be entirely true, but what he's since realised was a childhood crush on Isak was just that — a childhood crush. It was short and sweet and faded a long time before he had ever thought about this, about liking boys and girls and people who aren't either. It's sort of embarrassing to think back on, actually, so he tries not to make a practice of it.)

The funny thing about this realisation, though, is that it isn't the heady, passionate longing that he'd felt with Eva, or the endless, sickening sweetness that he sees in Isak and Even. It's just...there. Comfortable, like it never really came into being but just  _ was _ , settled into his veins and under his skin and in every beat of his heart. It's underlying, a current through every part of him, never overwhelming, never too much for him to handle. It's safe.

It’s this, too: Jonas looks. He notices. He's always noticed, he realises in retrospect, right from the beginning.

Sometimes, he finds Mahdi looking back, and the two of them will simply look until a character dies in their video game, or someone interrupts them, or Mahdi just turns his head away and brings an end to it.

Sometimes that’s the end. Sometimes, though, Jonas keeps looking and looking and looking, when he's sure there will be no one else to see. He studies the line of Mahdi’s jaw and the arch of his nose, the way his mouth curves up at the edges, and the movement of his cheeks as he talks. This is noticing, like people watching, but deeper, more personal—meaningful in a way Jonas can't quite describe.

“Why are you looking at me?” Mahdi demands, one of those times.

The words are quiet but forceful, strong and understated in their genuine curiosity, which both fits Mahdi and contradicts everything Jonas knows about him. That's Mahdi, though: a familiar mystery, someone Jonas knows to his core but is still always discovering. Jonas loves him for it, with a quiet, comfortable affection that’s not entirely about romance, the same love he has for the other boys but also different in a way he can't quite describe.

“I don't know,” Jonas answers.

Mahdi snorts. “That's bullshit, man.”

“No way,” Jonas says. “Do  _ you  _ know why the fuck you do anything these days?”

“Of course,” Mahdi replies, which is a bald-faced lie. He smirks, wild and confident. He'll let him get away with it, though, as he's been lying for almost the entire conversation.

Jonas looks away, then, because he has some sense of self-preservation. This—what he feels—is comfortable and safe and warm, but it still rubs his heart raw when he looks at Mahdi for too long.

Mahdi doesn't press, and Jonas hears his pencil scratching as he turns back to his homework, because they're being responsible students and making an attempt to pass their classes. It's not fun, but Jonas plans on going to university and he knows it's something Mahdi has been looking into as well, so endless amounts of homework it is. Magnus and Isak have both left—Isak for home, ridiculous grin on his face at the word, and Magnus to some dinner thing with his parents. It's just them, and it feels odd without the other boys around them, but somehow it feels natural, too.

(Jonas has been learning about false dichotomy lately, about things that seem to clash but don't, ideas and feelings that appear contrary to each other all true. It's the deconstruction of perceived binaries, like bisexuality and gender and loving your best friend. It's Mahdi himself.)

He doesn't know if that's why he feels this way about Mahdi, or if the comfort is a by-product of his feelings, but it's nice all the same. It's more than nice, but he doesn't know how to put what it is into words that would do it justice. He's pretty sure no words could. This is more than a feeling. It’s something that permeates him to his very bones, that sets him at ease with Mahdi around, that lets him relax into the spaces he leaves.

It's strange, in a way; he doesn't feel the familiar terror of one-sided affection. That's always been a constant of this part of the relationship, before anything starts to happen. Mahdi isn't straight—is pan, in fact, which means Jonas knows two pan people, and that's sort of a ridiculous thing to be excited about, but it's  _ cool _ to have other queer friends. That's not it, though. It's bigger than that, than knowing that Mahdi has the capability of being attracted to him.

It's more than having hope that Mahdi could feel the same way, more than looking deeply into every one of Mahdi’s actions to find the truth of his affections. It's knowing, even when he doesn't. It's the little compliments, the way Mahdi’s hand will rest a little longer on his arm than it would otherwise, the particular smile he has for Jonas and no one else.

More than anything, though, it's this: when Jonas looks, Mahdi looks back.

And, in Mahdi’s eyes, Jonas feels found.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on [tumblr](http://boxesfullofsanasmiling.tumblr.com).


End file.
